Saturday, July 8, 2006
"Outgowing"
This is further along the topic of yesterday's survey question.Rachel's last point is pretty much what was on my mind when I posed the question and here's why.A friend of mine mentioned recently that he had, at one point, "outgrown" his friends.I think this is something that just about every woman can understand, because my observation has been that most women don't maintain their relationships with "old friends".In particular, I'm thinking of friends from high school, and in my case, college.Yet, I think every guy I know has at least one friend from that far back.Side note: I do still keep in very occasional contact with my group of friends from high school, and to Heidi's point, I think guys are much more comfortable with that.I wouldn't expect any of them to ask me to be in their weddings, but if we were guys, we'd be each others' groomsmen for sure.Back on point.I think there's something about that loyalty that makes it that much harder for guys to move on and make new friends that it is for women.
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Maybe that is related to the fact that guys "bond" by doing activities, while women "bond" by conversation. For example, a guy going golfing with a friend would find that much more meaningful than sitting around at a coffee shop for 2 hours with no newspapers or chess games or whatever. But women need that face to face interaction to feel a closeness. So, yeah, if I sit down with someone who 5 years ago I could have a heart to heart with, but now our lives are so totally different and we have such different priorities, how could we have that interaction? So that is why I have "outgrown" friends, or I guess we've outgrown each other mutually. But as long as his buddy is still into golf 5 years later, they are good. And its funny because I always was someone who was friends with guys and not girls, but now I have no close guy relationships, and very close girl ones. Which is nice.
ReplyDeleteI still have close relationships with friends from high school and college. A lot of times though it seems we have moved in different directions with their lives. We still communicate and visit, but it's different. I've made some closer friendships since then from grad school, internships, and my current job now. It's interesting to compare the two, b/c on one hand, the old friends know me and my history better, but on the other hand, since we are at different places and don't see each other everyday, the new friends have to fill that void on a daily basis and share a common bond.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really sure that I'm proving a point, but I agree with all previous comments as well. I've always thought about how guys and girls communicate differently. Guys don't analyze their lives as often, when they get together in a group, they quote movie lines, crack jokes, and maybe tell a few stories from college. Girls get together to talk about life, relationships, and work. We are a complex species!
Sorry this is so long.
Well, as a guy, I will admit that I have very few close friends. I have a number of what I would call "good friends" - these are the people who know something of my life and my past, and I their's, but these lives and pasts are only the ones we are willing to share.
ReplyDeleteI think, in general, men are less willing to trust others. It could be cultural (the whole "stoic male/lone wolf" thing). Or it could be genetic - the need to protect one's standing and the desire to be the alpha in their group (I could be stretching a bit here - I'm just a historian, not an evolutionary biologist).
I also think a part of it is the physical contact with people, as in seeing people. Men are more able maintain friendships and connections when we are in the same area. Much of it is probably the bonding over activities, which was mentioned earlier. If we can't get together for a round of golf, a BBQ, or a beer and a game, what's the point? That being said, however, I think it's easier for us to reconnect with people we haven't seen in while because the original connection was through something like watching the game together. Think about - what is the first thing that happens when "an old high school buddy" comes to town? We go get a beer, watch the football game, and shoot some pool.
As far as women and their connections - no clue. I'm a guy and quite frankly, women make very little sense to us. For example, the weird obsession with shoes - sorry, we just don't get women sometimes . . . check that: we usually don't get women!
Erin -
ReplyDeleteI am in this situation. I don't keep in touch with many high school and college friends. Justin is in touch with many. Its weird, because I'm more outgoing, I think. I hate to say I "outgrew" the friends, but we definitely don't communicate like in the old days...