contemplating

For Pat's birthday, since I wouldn't be home, I decided to have breakfast in a local cemetary and release a balloon. I attached a note for Pat and gave the balloon a kiss before I let it go. I know it doesn't actually go to heaven, but the symbolism of the whole thing is enough for me. For his part, Pat would think I'm crazy doing all that, but these things I do are for me, not for him.

I spent most of the day trying to stay busy and not "dwell," but I obviously thought of him several times throughout the day. It's weird. I never thought I would be able to survive without my brother, so my whole life is just strange now. I think I always figured I would die of a broken heart if I lost him, and now that I haven't, I have to decide what life will be like from now on. I know for sure that this is much harder than I would have ever thought, because, again, I always thought I would literally die if I lost him. Instead, I'm here without him and have to try to find a reason to keep going when there isn't always a ready reason.

Now, if you're reading this and wondering why anyone is so close to her brother that she would just die if he died, I guess I won't really be able to explain it. But it's sort of like we were twins. We grew up and we had friends, but since we lived in the country, we couldn't just go next door to play with the other kids. So, we had each other as best friends, playmates, sometime enemies, and most of all, a united front against our parents. In our high school and college years, we were confidants and hang-out buddies. We spent our summers together in overlapping circles of friends. A friend of his told me once that Pat had told her that he was really looking forward to the part of our lives where we would each settle down and start a family. He wanted our kids to grow up together, knowing each other. I wanted that, too. Thinking now about what my life will be like when I do start a family makes me excited and sad at the same time. I know that he would have been so excited for me to get married and have kids, and although I have his little son to spoil, it just won't be the same without Pat.