What's On My Mind

Coming off of Independence Day is always a big downer for me, because not only is there the inevitable let-down after the hustle and bustle of getting ready for the big D0n0-hoe-down, but also, as I’ve mentioned recently, Pat’s birthday was July 9, and each year that passes just reminds me of how much I lost when he died.

 

I have a lot of friends who are close to their siblings, and a lot of friends who aren’t that close to theirs, and some friends who don’t have any siblings, so it’s hard to explain what this is like in a way that makes sense to everyone. But I thought of a way to explain it like this: I was watching something about Oprah’s school for girls and one of the little girls was expressing how important it was for her that both she and her sister be accepted to the school because she didn’t know what she would do without her sister. “Without my sister, I think I would die” is what she said. And therein lies the problem, because without my brother, I didn’t die; I just wished I had. And this isn’t to say that my life depended on his or that I’m in any way suicidal, but it is to say that I still, 3 years later, can’t figure out what my life is supposed to be like without him in it.

 

If you have a sibling, that’s a person who probably shared in your childhood, and who experienced your family and knows, at least to a certain extent, what that was like for you. And if you have a friend, that’s someone who shares in your life now and who you expect to be in your life in the future. And if you’re blessed to have a sibling who is also a friend, then this will resonate with you the most, because that’s someone who shared your history and who you expect to share in your future, and so losing that person is just devastating. It’s hard and it’s lonely and it sucks and I don’t know why it happened and no matter what kind of sentiment people offer (and believe that I have heard them all), there’s nothing at all that eases the pain. But having good friends helps, for sure, and so I’m grateful to the people who come and get me when I need to be dragged out of the house, and the people who rescue me from crying fits at work by taking me for ice cream, and the people who leave notes and send emails and even the people who pray for me when I don’t even know they’re doing it, because it’s all of these people who keep me moving forward, taking one more step, and trying to figure out what to do with myself when I would otherwise be utterly lost.