contemplating

For Pat's birthday, since I wouldn't be home, I decided to have breakfast in a local cemetary and release a balloon. I attached a note for Pat and gave the balloon a kiss before I let it go. I know it doesn't actually go to heaven, but the symbolism of the whole thing is enough for me. For his part, Pat would think I'm crazy doing all that, but these things I do are for me, not for him.

I spent most of the day trying to stay busy and not "dwell," but I obviously thought of him several times throughout the day. It's weird. I never thought I would be able to survive without my brother, so my whole life is just strange now. I think I always figured I would die of a broken heart if I lost him, and now that I haven't, I have to decide what life will be like from now on. I know for sure that this is much harder than I would have ever thought, because, again, I always thought I would literally die if I lost him. Instead, I'm here without him and have to try to find a reason to keep going when there isn't always a ready reason.

Now, if you're reading this and wondering why anyone is so close to her brother that she would just die if he died, I guess I won't really be able to explain it. But it's sort of like we were twins. We grew up and we had friends, but since we lived in the country, we couldn't just go next door to play with the other kids. So, we had each other as best friends, playmates, sometime enemies, and most of all, a united front against our parents. In our high school and college years, we were confidants and hang-out buddies. We spent our summers together in overlapping circles of friends. A friend of his told me once that Pat had told her that he was really looking forward to the part of our lives where we would each settle down and start a family. He wanted our kids to grow up together, knowing each other. I wanted that, too. Thinking now about what my life will be like when I do start a family makes me excited and sad at the same time. I know that he would have been so excited for me to get married and have kids, and although I have his little son to spoil, it just won't be the same without Pat.

countdown

Now, it's almost Pat's birthday and I think I'm actually more worried than anything else. Worried I won't do something I should, like call my dad. Or that I'll do something I shouldn't, like upset my sister-in-law. I've gotten to the point where I try to avoid thinking much about the so-called big days. There are too many for me to track now. I think I was actually fine, or close to fine as one can be after losing one's mother. But now, to quote from Pulp Fiction, I'm pretty f***ing far from OK. I wonder if I'll ever be truly OK again. I used to be fine with the idea that I'll have Good Days and Bad Days. But when there are so many days to mourn and miss one's departed loved ones, it seems as though all of life is just one long Bad Day.

"Outgowing"

This is further along the topic of yesterday's survey question.Rachel's last point is pretty much what was on my mind when I posed the question and here's why.A friend of mine mentioned recently that he had, at one point, "outgrown" his friends.I think this is something that just about every woman can understand, because my observation has been that most women don't maintain their relationships with "old friends".In particular, I'm thinking of friends from high school, and in my case, college.Yet, I think every guy I know has at least one friend from that far back.Side note: I do still keep in very occasional contact with my group of friends from high school, and to Heidi's point, I think guys are much more comfortable with that.I wouldn't expect any of them to ask me to be in their weddings, but if we were guys, we'd be each others' groomsmen for sure.Back on point.I think there's something about that loyalty that makes it that much harder for guys to move on and make new friends that it is for women.

Survey Question of the Day

Is finding and maintain friendships harder for men, or for women? Or, it is equally hard, but for different reasons?

Last night's update

I was going to sum it up myself, but my friends at The Chicagoist did a better job than I ever could.

For better shots of Leonid the Magnificent, check here. You have to scroll about halfway down to find him, but believe me, you can't miss him.

I am fascinated with this man.

unsure

just a few days from now will be the day that would have been Pat's 29th birthday. And when that occured to me just now, I expected the thought to be followed immediately by that too-familiar ache of missing someone I love and can never see again. But this time, it wasn't there. No feeling of pain. No sensation of missing Pat at all. Just an overall lack of feeling. Leaving me to ponder whether I'm moving forward in my grief, or if I'm really just numb clear through to my soul.

NOT a fan of myspace

I realise this is akin to dumping someone, dating around, coming back together, and then complaining to each other about the people you dated while you were "on a break". But I just have to get it off my chest that I am NOT a fan of myspace. The fact that I could organise my blog by topics was the main draw. But in order to get that, I had to deal with slower page loading, random strangers' attempts to fly me to other countries, and more thong shots than a Victoria's Secret catalog. Thanks, but no thanks. I am apparently WAAAY too old for all that noise.

In other news, it's already Wednesday (yay!), but I can't seem to get going on any Wednesday work, which is why I'm sending this blog via email. Also, as usual, I have career and life dilemmae and an impending move. So, pretty much the same things since the last time you talked to me, probably.

In the best of all possible news, I got a really nice and really big TV from my cube neighbor Kelly's friend who is leaving the country this week. I'm sad that they are leaving, especially because that family is part of Kelly's urban tribe. But I can't lie -- the TV sure is nice.