I'm OK now, really.

So, I’ve calmed down considerably since my last ranting post. But it has become apparent (and been pointed out) to me that I need to discuss this with my doctor. I have an appointment with her next week so this will be the point of discussion. I have struggled with depression for pretty much all my life, and she knows that and helps me figure out the right dosages and what not*. After my brother died, my already higher-than-normal anxiety levels really spiked and we have been working on finding the right treatment for that ever since. But I was trying to taper off of one medicine, and this is the result. It is amazing to me the difference that the medicine makes and how sensitive I am to changing it, and this past few weeks have been further evidence of how closely I need to watch myself to not get off-balance again. Like, in my head, I was really feeling trapped, thinking I had made all these horrible, awful decisions that more or less ruined my life, and there was no way I could figure out how to “fix” them. I think that feeling has subsided for the time being so I hope I can just stay something close to sane until I get to the doctor and we figure something out together. So thanks to all of you for your concerns and your sympathies and also those of you who let me know privately that I was clearly getting out of whack. I was whack. Crack is whack. Whatever, Whitney.

*(“what not” is one of my current favorite expressions, as used in that Jay-Z song where he says “let me rub on your ----s, and what not” – and in my head it sounds like 2 words so that’s how I type it)