Actual Conversation

...with Cathy, my sister-in-law and mother of my 4-year-old nephew, while he and another boy were playing at their house.

Me: What is going on there?
C: Oh, Brock is over and he and Tommy are trying to run the vacuum. This Will Not End Well.
Me: Lord, 2 boys together is not the same as one boy + one boy.
...general conversation...
C: Guys, put those candles down.
Me: Goodness.
...general conversation...
C: Brock, get down from there, please. He is on top of the piano wearing my snow boots. I knew it was too quiet.
Me: That's the cost of 30 seconds of silence, I guess.
...more general conversation...
C: Uh, I gotta go – I just heard "well, she won’t wipe my butt, so I know she won’t wipe yours” - and they are in the kitchen.
...hangs up...
Me: (to myself) Good luck with All That!