***insert screaming fit of rage here***

I have been having a really hard time with life lately, and the proverbial straw happened when I went out to my car this morning. I walked out, realized I had left the windows down all night, thanked my lucky stars it hadn’t rained, and then noticed that some absolute effing a-hole had come along and dropped a cigarette butt in the passenger side and left a hideously ugly burn mark as a permanent reminder that I am too forgetful for my own good.

I have been having such a massive internal struggle and feeling like I have ruined my life. I don’t even know what that means, exactly, because I can’t even picture in my head what I can do to make my life “right”. I don’t even really think any of it is fixable, because it’s just my own personal anger at the fact that life itself is unfair and sometimes hard and that even if I work hard and do right by the world, it doesn’t mean that I things will work out how I want them to (see above story as evidence). I am also acutely aware that complaining about my life is somewhat akin to crying that my golden shoes are too tight. I know there are people who have so much more to worry about and struggle with than I ever have. But I still feel this way.

Possibly, if I can just get the sod down, I will at least feel like I have finished one project. I think a good chunk of my despair comes from feeling stuck in all these different aspects of life. Like, in every aspect (project) where I have a choice to make, none of the choices or their outcomes are particularly palatable to me. I also feel like every project I start, and pretty much everything I touch, just goes right into the crapper. I keep hoping that maybe just getting one project completely finished will open the door to finishing the next one and perhaps that will ultimately clear a path to some kind of contentment.

Oh, and I just got a feeling of déjà vu about doing sod and working where I work, which is strange (as all déjà vu episodes are) because I haven’t ever worked here and had a sod project going on before. Odd.

Oh, and I just-just got a call from the sod people telling me the sod is on the way. Today. When I’m at work. Not tomorrow, as we had agreed yesterday. I’m pretty sure this is officially my last DIY project.